Mr Anime Universe
by FireCracker Studios
Summary: One night. Two beautiful hostesses. Seven different tortures (also called “events”). Twelve of the sexiest anime men in existence. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, get ready for the Mr. Anime Universe competition.


Authors' Notes:

ShinkonoKokoro: ...It's "authoress'." We're female. :smacks a table: WE NEED TO MAKE THE GENDER DISTINCTION!

Water Spirit: ...Why? It's just the intro...

SK: First we concede on this point, next we'll concede on voting rights, then on the choice of whether or not we want to wear bras! What would become of the world!

WS: ...Erm, right. So, this is our random story about the men of the anime universe getting forced into a competition of sexiness.

SK:maniacal cackling:

WS: ...Right. So, we don't own ANY of the series you shall see in this story, including, but not limited to, the following:

1. Inu Yasha

2. Full Metal Alchemist

3. Slayers

4. Gundam Wing

5. Fushigi Yuugi

6. Shoujo Kakumei Utena

7. Sailor Moon

8. Dragon Ball Z

9. Rurouni Kenshin

10. X/1999

11. D.N.Angel

12. Trigun

SK: We do, however, own exclusive rights to Isariel and Yanagi Moritonde.

WS: Well, not exclusive rights to Yanagi. Her husband would slit our throats.

SK: Yes. Yes, he would. Violently.

WS: Also, along the lines of the importance of the disclaimer is the fact that you, the audience, determine the outcome of this story. This you will understand much better once you have read the prologue and first few chapters.

Note: We will attempt to update every two weeks or so. We would like to draw pictures to illustrate this, but our time is limited. If anyone would like to illustrate parts of this for us, you're more than welcome. We can give you refs for Yanagi and Isariel.

.o0OO0o.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! We, Yanagi Moritonde and Isariel, welcome _you_ to the first! Annual! Mr. Anime Universe!" Yanagi shouted into her microphone completely unnecessarily. She paused to take a dainty sip of water.

Isariel promptly took over the mic, leaning over the podium, her rather well endowed upper half threatening to spill out of the skimpy dress she was wearing. "Tonight we shall present to you the finest anime men we could find. They come from twelve different series and we decided upon them very, very carefully. Many hours of work were poured into this effort in order to bring _you_, the audience, maximum satisfaction. And trust me, this will be quite satisfying. Especially for the men in the audience who did not make the cut."

Yanagi took the mic back from Isariel, smiling pleasantly at the audience. "The twelve selected men will perform in four events. First, they will perform a solo talent to show off whatever abilities they believe they possess. Following the talent competition, they will be randomly sorted into groups and given random props. They will then perform an impromptu skit. After the skit, there will be a cross-dressing competition, followed by a dance-off."

"After the dance-off, our judges will select five of the men from the twelve," Isariel continued, speaking into the mic that Yanagi had in her hands.

Yanagi looked down at Isariel out of the corner of her eye, her face inches from Isariel's. "Hey, Isi, wanna take a step away?" she muttered rather darkly.

"Not so much," Isariel replied with a grin. "The fan boys are loving this."

Yanagi glared. "Yes. Well. I'm not."

Isariel sighed and stepped back, hands behind her head, back arching so that her breasts, once again, are threatening to spill out of her dress. "Spoil-sport," she said with a pout.

Yanagi turned back to the rather stunned audience and cleared her throat once. And then again. And then a third time. Just for good measure. Then she continued. "The five semi-finalists shall compete in three more events. The first is a speech about their mother, followed by the Question and Answer segment of our program. Then they shall try out pick-up lines on a female escort. The judges will then vote and we shall discover who is the sexiest, most talented, deranged son of a bitch from all the anime worlds."

Coughing slightly, Isariel threw Yanagi a dirty look. "Babe, remember we need to keep this somewhat PG. For all the little people."

Yanagi threw a dirty look, along with a dirty towel, right back. "Then put on more clothes, you skank!"

"I'm not a skank!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

Yanagi threw down the mic and reached for Isariel's throat. As she did so, someone from the audience (presumably Duo, Touga, Roy, Sano, Miroku, or Tasuki) shouted rather loudly "MUD FIGHT! Take it OFF!"

Instantly, Yanagi dropped her hands, fluffed her short brown hair and turned away from Isariel. "We will now introduce to you our twelve contestants," she said stiffly, over a loud groan from the male members of the audience.

"But, before we do," Isariel said, with a twisted grin, "we'd like to thank the Akio Car company for its gracious donations, as well as Oz Incorporated, Poison Insects R Us, the Shinsengumi, Apocalypse for Dummies, Easy Mac—which, mind you, is the only food I can't make—and God, because it just wouldn't be the same with out God being mentioned at least once in one of these speeches."

Yanagi cleared her throat again, disliking how that was becoming something of a habit. She took a sip of water. Cleared her throat. "Anyway. We would like to invite the twelve men to come on stage now so that we might introduce them!"

"First up," Isariel announced, taking the mic from Yanagi, "is Chiba Mamoru, also known as Tuxedo Mask! Or, for those of you who prefer the Japanese version-" she adopted a high, squeaky voice "-Tuxedo Kamen-sama!"

Mamoru walked onto the stage in a tux and waved at the cheering audience. He smiled as he took his place at the far end of the stage.

"Next," Yanagi said into the mic she had just been given by a techie tired of seeing Isariel molest her, "we have Edward Elric, the Full Metal Alchemist!"

Ed sauntered out, wearing a cheeky grin, flashing a thumbs up at the girls in the audience, who were all screaming. As they quieted, someone stood up with a sign reading "I WANT YOUR BABIES" and screamed, "Ed! I want you! And your babies!"

Mamoru looked over at Ed, with an eyebrow arched. "Aren't you the half-metal kid?" he asked.

Ed turned to him, a dangerous look in his eyes. "What are you saying…? I'm not a kid," he growled.

Mamoru laughed nervously. "Right! Of course!" He turned away, muttering, "The release _did_ warn us not to mention his height…"

Isariel glared at the screaming girl. "That's enough! Sit, or security will remove you! No, better yet, I'll burn you!" She held up a hand, fire floating quite happily around it. The girl sat. Isariel continued. "The Esteemed Emperor Hotohori!"

Entering stage left, Hotohori swept across the stage, his long hair glimmering in the lighting, which, of course, had been set up to optimize his beauty. He took his place beside Ed and looked down. "Hello, little boy."

Ed snapped around, snarling. "I'm not a little boy!" he growled. He raised his hands and clapped them together. "Say that again and I'll transmute your hair into a fish!"

Yanagi hurled a skillet at Ed's head from across the stage. "The release form you signed restricts the use of your special talents to the talent show! And _only_ if you aren't attacking other competitors!" She turned to the audience. "Now, may we introduce, Heero Yuy, the Perfect Solider!"

Heero stalked onto the stage, marching up to his place beside Hotohori. He looked up at the emperor, then at Ed, then at Mamoru. He smiled. "A cross-dresser, a five year old, and a swish. I will complete this mission with ease."

He received a cold, cold glare from the rest of the competitors, but didn't seem to notice. His eyes had fallen on a certain someone in the first row.

"RELENA!"

"Isn't it wonderful? Family gets to sit in the front five rows!" Relena squealed.

"You aren't family!" Heero roared, whipping his gun from spandex-space.

Isariel sighed. "Put your weapon away, Mr. Yuy!" she ordered. Reluctantly, Heero did as asked. "Next, we give you the famous Hitokiri Battousai: Himura Kenshin!"

Kenshin walked on stage, the only man so far not to be in a tuxedo, his sword at his side. He waved as women screamed and fainted, laughing nervously and bowing.

Hotohori sniffed. "It's not fair that the audience's reaction to my presence wasn't described."

"Self-centered prick."

"Who said that?" Hotohori demanded.

No one said anything. In fact, a dust ball rolled through the auditorium.

Yanagi hacked and then spoke. "Next we have the one and only Kaitou Dark! Also called Phantom Thief Dark, for you Americans who don't understand Japanese!"

Dark's shadow fell across the upper half of the stadium seating, waving at the screaming and fainting women. He did a crazy twist and a flip and landed gracefully beside a rather stunned Kenshin. Wiz promptly turned from wings into rabbit-thing and sat attentively on Dark's shoulder.

"Impressive, de gozaru yo!" Kenshin exclaimed, clapping.

Dark smiled his sexy smile. "Of course, it's me."

"I should be the one up there, Dark! Not you!" a voice roared from the audience.

"Shut up, Krad. I'm sexier than you and you know it! Be happy that I even got you a ticket!"

Isariel's black hair turned a flaming shade of red as she raised a fiery fist. "Enough comments from the peanut gallery, damn you! Kamui Shirou, get your sorry butt out here!"

Kamui came onto the stage, completely normally, and took his place beside Dark.

"Thank God for a normal one," Yanagi muttered. She perked up and smiled. "Introducing Ohto…ri… A…ki…o…" She trailed off, looking distressed as a hand, distinctly not her own, found its way to her breast.

"Hello, gorgeous," Akio purred into her ear. "Want to take a ride in my car?"

Yanagi sighed, handing Isariel her mic. "Hold this, Isariel." She clamped her hand around Akio's wrist, shoved her hip into his stomach, and sent him flying across the stage so that he landed beside Kamui.

Kamui looked down at Akio and blinked a few times. "Touch me and I'll kill you," he said, turning away.

Akio pushed himself up and brushed off his red tuxedo. "Ladies, ladies, I'm all in one piece! No need to worry!"

A loud sigh of relief went up from the audience, a few coming from some of the less straight men.

Isariel stood, alone, at the podium. "For the remaining men, I'll be doing all the announcing. Yanagi has gone to a temple for purification, a church for an exorcism, and somewhere else to take a long, long shower. Next up, the little green man: Piccolo!"

Piccolo stomped on to the stage, looking constipated, and stood beside Akio. Akio's hand curled around Piccolo's hip in an attempt to be seductive and met an untimely demise at the hands of a Special Beam Cannon, called Makenkosappo in Japanese (for purists).

Clutching his hand to his chest, Akio pouted as voices cried out in support of him.

Sighing, Isariel continued. "Next, we introduce to you a dog!"

A distinct snarl from behind the woman caused her to reconsider her choice of words. "That is to say, a wonderful, proud and powerful dog demon, the Taiyokai Sesshoumaru!"

Sesshoumaru swept out from the curtains and onto the stage, looking gloriously sexy. Knees popped and bones melted.

"Now, we have the illustrious Vash the Stampede!"

Vash skipped on stage, grinning like a fool. He struck a pose and cried, "Love and peace!"

Sesshoumaru snarled and Heero and Ed snorted, trying very hard not to laugh at the irony.

"And now, last but certainly least: Zelgadis Graywords!"

Zelgadis skulked onto the stage, sending Isariel a snarly glare.

"Just kidding, Zel! You know we love you!" She smiled. "We _all _love you!"

Isariel turned to the audience and smiled. "Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages! Before you all stand the most beautiful, most talented anime men we could find! Next we will introduce the contestants in a more personal manner and give you reasons why you should vote for him!"

.o0OO0o.

WS: And that concludes the far too short prologue.

SK: Don't worry, the next few chapters will be longer.

WS: Maybe not the next chapter, but the one after that. snort, cackle Ah, writing their "Why You Should Pick Me" speeches will be so much fun.

SK:puts on a look of mock distress: Water Spirit! You mean to say that _we _will write their speeches and not them?

WS:blink: Er, well, they're kind of not real… Kind of hard to write when you aren't real…

SK:throws herself: to the ground How cruel, the world!

WS:blinks again: Um… Right… Anyway! Next time, the "Why You Should Pick Me" speeches, which have been written by us pretending to be another character.

SK: Oh, well. That's okay then.

WS: O.o Make up your mind!

SK: On what?

WS: What is an isn't okay for us to do!

SK: It isn't okay for us to claim possession of these characters or the stories they came from. It is, however, okay, for us to eat babies.

WS: …Have you been reading Jonathan Swift again…?

SK: We discussed his works over baby fillet in spice sauce.

WS:spontaneously combusts:

SK:smiles sweetly:

Please Note: Neither Shinkono Kokoro nor Water Spirit condone the eating of babies. Neither did Jonathan Swift, he just thought since the nobles are pricks they'd listen to something outlandish. If you have the chance, please pick up his essay, "A Modest Proposal." It's good for a few laughs. If you can actually understand what he's saying. Periodic sentences suck.


End file.
